It's funny how things are not always what they seem. When we first came to the acceptance that Mother was dying, we had all of these thoughts about how we would remember her and what we would do to mark the days, but as each one happens, all I find myself able to do is just let them come and go. I do not have the ability to 'do' anything. I feels too painful. I'm not sure this makes sense, but I'll to explain.
When she first passed away last November, my sisters and I wanted to continue planning her 60th birthday party and turn it into a fund raiser. Over these past months, I could not bring myself to do that; it hurt. It's much easier to just let it happen and not 'mark' it in any special way.
We did all gather as a family last night and we talked about her some, but she was not the complete topic all evening. That was a relief; that would have been too painful.
I still have all of her funeral stuff in a box; I have not looked at it; I have not sent Thank You notes. I can't! Does this make me a bad person? I am not ready to deal with the 'after-death' stuff; I think I'm still dealing with her death.
Bella's arrival will bring some healing and a lot of pain surrounding thoughts of Mother; I know she will be with us that day. Bella's due date will mark the 1-year anniversary of her death; I have always taken that as a sign that everything will be fine and that Mother knows about Bella and will be with us.
I feel like this is a rambling post, but I had this all on my chest and it needed to come out as it is; I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
4 comments:
Don't feel bad for writing whats on your mind.. it helps sometimes! I am so sorry again about your mother as I am sure it still is tough every single day...
I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree...your mom wouldn't miss this for the world. I know the important things that take place in my kids lives will never be missed. I will always be there...spirit or otherwise. :)
It will be so much fun for you to become your mother as you mother your little one. You will say "omg I'm becoming my mother" and smile :)
It's a wonderful feeling.
When my dad passed away I went through so many similar feelings. I also have a hard time at important moments in my life such as when I graduated nursing school wishing my dad could see me. It does get better with time but never really goes away. Your mother though will be a part of you always and I believe that those we lose are still with us in some way. Hang in there and hugs to you.
I so completely understand your post. Hugs.
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