.........besides my search on 'how to lose weight', we are doing exceptionally well. I am more in love with her now than ever, and I relish in the warmth of her return of that love. I feel that her affair has been a blessing to our relationship. I'm not sure we would have reached this level of love had we stayed on the mundrum, boring path we were on. I am grateful for her experience, but.....................
......I am really struggling with trust. I know without a shadow of doubt that she loves me and only me and that she will never do that again. I trust her honesty, but I have a little voice inside me that screams at me and instills questions and mistrust. I don't want it there, but don't know how to get rid of it.
Also, 'the girl' is still in our lives and I do support their attempt at friendship, but I think she crosses boundaries that I am uncomfortable with. Some of the vocabulary she uses and her love of sending text messages whenever she feels the urge are not acceptable to me. I will more than likely end up speaking with her about it sometime in the near future. I don't want to ask Liz to limit contact with her, but I need to feel respected by her in order to feel comfortable with it.
Anyone else ever have to deal with this issue?
6 comments:
I'm so happy for both of you that you're working together to make things happen! I have to say, this is really hard and probably won't feel great for quite some time.
Heather and I had a rough patch many, many years ago that 99.99% of the time feels fine now (seven years later) but for a really long time didn't feel good at all. There were a lot of times that we both stayed in our relationship because it would have been difficult to move (we were college roomies at the time), or because Heather was stubborn and wouldn't let me quit on us, or because we were both just too tired to make a move toward not being together. There was a lot of fighting, but a lot more just distance and cold discomfort.
I'd like to say that I can remember the exact moment when Heather started to trust me again, or the time when it got easier to be together, or any of that... but I can't. I just know that for a while things were not good and then, slowly we started seeing the good stuff again... and then after a while we stopped seeing the bad stuff... and then, after a while we really found our way back to the good times in a relationship, the joy and love and happiness every day. Maybe it's good that we can't remember, it means it couldn't have been that bad?
It sounds like you two are starting to see the good stuff again! That's wonderful! The trust will take time. I know that for us it was YEARS before it was fully back to where it had been... but it is fully back again.
If you asked both of us separately we would probably both say that the drama and pain sucked but that it was good for our relationship that we made it through and made it work and feel that we are stronger because of it.
I'm sorry that you're still having to do that work... but at least you're both doing the work together!
Remember to take care of yourself and keep up the good work! You two have figured it out so far, you're doing a great job!
It will get better, it just takes time.
My wife had a cheating ex-gf. They went to couple's councilling and she refused to cut off contact with the woman she had the affair with. That was unacceptable to my wife and they broke up.
I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you aren't comfortable with them being friends and hanging out after what happened. I wouldn't be. She has to *earn* your trust and so far she isn't doing much to do that, right? She may love you but if she really cares about your relationship, I think she'd be willing to take a step away from the other woman.
In a past relationship I had almost an identical situation. my girl left me for her old ex. Realized she loved me more, but the old ex kept sending her innapropriate emails, phone calls, texts. I finally had to tell her that if the ex couldn't control herself, she needed to drop her or me. It was stressing me out too much, and she kept trying to hide things from me to keep me happy. In the end she stopped talking to her and our problems dissipated!
I did and our relatioship ended when I asked my ex to stop seeing the girl she had an affair with. We needed to work on OUR relationship and not have any distraction. I needed to know I could trust her and her attempts to want to have a place in my heart and my life again. She said no and so I showed her the door.
I'm glad I did it and I have a much healthier life and stronger relationship for doing so.
Good luck but don't cut yourself short or become second best. That', IMHO, is the worst thing you can do for yourself and your daughter.
I haven't personally dealt with this but my parents did when I was young. It basically took time. It was a while before my mom trusted my dad and before the subject kept coming up in arguments etc. As far as "the girl" being in your lives still, yes that would be an issue for me. No way. And maintaining a friendly relationship with her might undermine your trust issues even more.
Tough issue... I would probably be open and honest with Liz about this and how it is bothering you.
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